Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way

Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus

When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?

Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.

Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.

I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.

The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.

Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?

There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.

everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes

I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy

*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?

When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

Him: What’s in the oven?

Me: Freud chicken.

Him: You mean fried.

Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!

Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”

I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.

God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.

I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.

Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?

Me: …

You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!

Cop –

So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you

Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.

I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*

Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..

*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*

☠️☠️☠️

me: *using chocolate coins as currency*

clerk: those are not legal tender

me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth

Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.