Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BILLION DOLLAR IDEA

A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up

If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?

Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.

[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*

ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.

Can confirm.

My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now

[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse

I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.

My wedding will be open casket.

*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.

HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over

ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over

Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!

Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille

Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.

Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house

The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.

America: Japanese ads are extremely weird

Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*

I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.

I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.

Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality

Me: Are you mad at me?

Wife: Eventually.

“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world

My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.

Pro tip:

If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.

She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.

I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”

Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it

[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]

Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?

How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away

If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy