Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo

These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.

Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.

confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!

Also me: *lives alone*

My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.

Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.

Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do

You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…

-my wife telling a story

me: [dancing in a well lit area]

Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not

Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows

I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.

When do they kick in?

The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.

My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.

Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.

Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?

Rebecca Black: *inhales*

Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.

That’s fair

I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.

interviewer: what are your strengths?

me: I know where you live

[first day as hostage negotiater]

me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo

[loud explosion from inside the bank]

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?