Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
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Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
welp
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Chemical wingman
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.