Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
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Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
How it started How it’s going
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.