Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
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Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
My dog ate my work from home.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids