Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I learned about self care from watching my cat.

My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.

This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10

Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.

FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car

[hours later after date]

HER: It’s been 18 miles

ME: I insist

HER: But you drove both of us

Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.

When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

🫶

Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage

My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me

My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends

What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes

[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.

Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.

Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.

I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁

Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.

I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.

Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”

As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.

Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”

And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”

No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂

*later to thugs* They know too much.

A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.

I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.

“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”

Edward norton: what’s your power

Me: I recast avenger characters

Mark ruffalo: wait wut

i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip

I’m biased: I have four buttocks.

me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?

I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.