Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules

Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.

“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”

“I meant questions about your root canal.”

“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”

All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.

imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now

Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.

My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.

I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.

I am not a smart woman.

Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends

I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.

[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally

Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal

Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.

Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about

Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full

People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.

I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?

Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.

Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.

“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.

My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house

I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.

Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.

That’s a good costume, I hope.