Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.

Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

20 minutes: I have plenty of time

15 minutes: OH SHIT

Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.

Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER

Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”

I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge

Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?

Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE

swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again

me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg

WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings

WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped

WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death

ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together

Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*

I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.

Me: I really like her. What should I do?

Friend: Give her the time of day.

[Later]

Her: Hey.

Me: It’s 2 PM.

BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*

My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about

This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.

if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing

Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?

Dog: Shut up, Carl

Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?

Me: Shut up, Carl

Ways that I am superior to dolphins:

– Am not afraid of being on dry land

– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet

– Faster at replying to emails

– Know more about the causes of World War 1

– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net

It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.

[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?

CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine

My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life

Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?

My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.

Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth

Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.

Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.

Body: Maybe drink water? Just once

ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon

HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?

ME: I do not.

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.