Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st day working at bank]

BOSS: What are you doing??

ME: I gave that man a personal loan.

BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR

I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.

I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.

There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.

A chihuahua is just a barking cat.

I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.

But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying

🫶

This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!

How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485

My grocery list.

1. Don’t run into anyone you know.

2. Eggs

Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?

4-year-old: No.

Me: Then where’d it go?

4: She sneezed and it exploded.

Sounds legit.

I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!

HIM: What are you doing?

ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.

HIM: How much is in there?

ME: $5.40

“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”

– My current favorite child

Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125

Monday?
No. Next question.

[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”

Them: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘

Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.

Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉

Them: …many, many laws.

*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired

*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard

*start a fire*
People: calm down

If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!

Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.

When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.

I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.

my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote

me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe

Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?

Me: You mean like the band?

My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.

Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.