Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”

I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.

My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one

Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

Person: I really DO want your honest advice

Me: NO you don’t

P: I DO

Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out

P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?

7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?

Me: Yes.

7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.

New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.

If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.

Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.

My child: Picks cookie with the most icing

Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off

I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.

Medical form: Height?

Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.

Medical form: Sex?

Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.

🎶we are never ever ever getting back together

– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine

I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her

Today’s homeschooling Google searches:

“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”

I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*

justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner

mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah

me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com

So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”

*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*

If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.

Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?

25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:

1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.

2. This is serious, why so many?

3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.

[reading crime and punishment]

me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-

[ten pages later]

me: you’re not gonna believe this

Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!

– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)

uncle dave has been through hell

Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started

Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton

my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all

if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”