Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night

Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive

All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us

I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have

[before kids]

“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”

[3 years in]

“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”

One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.

i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time

God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”

Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”

I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.

Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget

I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.

If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.

On the list of things I’ve learned today:

1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes

I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.

Selfie attempt: come hither look

Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm

*rearranges underwear drawer*

Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room

Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex

Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.

HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?

Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?

HR: What?

Me: You can fix that right here, right now

A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.

I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me

Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes

If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe

girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao