Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over

Her: This is our bedroom

Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow

Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.

I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:

“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”

I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that

You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past

I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls

“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”

-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn

Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year

Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked

Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.

Me: How can I make this funny?

Them: Change what funny is.

Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.

[looking up at night sky]

Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.

Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.

Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?

No way you’re all at church.

“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]

I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.

About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.

Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.

me: okay, thank you!

boss: thank you more!

me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.

boss: what

me: what

A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen

I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.

Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?

Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*

Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.

if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine

me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!

me when i get home: crackers

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.

Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.