Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[God inventing pain]

God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.

Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?

God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not

People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space

therapist: what’s your earliest memory?

me: crying for my mom

therapist: so around what, five?

me: nine this morning

‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.

My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.

Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.

Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels

[at craft beer festival]

Me: Miller Lite, please

*ukulele girl stops playing*

Bartender: *blinks repetitively*

Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*

when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭

*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.

follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.

Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.

His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble

Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.

Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.

Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.

Mob Boss: Who do they got?

Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.

Both: Oh shit.

[first date]

HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.

ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.

Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…

thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years

I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.

Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.

I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”

Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.

[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter

You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.

Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?

My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.

I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no

It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.