Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste

My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”

My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”

My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”

I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.

If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.

[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?

Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.

Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

are they though??

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”

taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night

[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?

Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.

[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED

ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking

The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking

Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.

Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No

I put the “pro” in inappropriate

My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.

look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts

America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!