Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]

you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?

Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.

M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?

Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.

M: *mumbles* works every time

[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]

１９.９８

[very gently]

１９.９９

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

３７.８３

GODDAMMIT

People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..

Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..

*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*

do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival

The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.

Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.

First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.

They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.

They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.

Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.

My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.

We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:

Omelet Easydozen

Florentine Pepperbatter

Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?

Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer

Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.

Thyme wounds all heels.

A small tragedy.

Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.

All Amazon reviews are like

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy

⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY

with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”

im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus

Nurse: “This may hurt.”

Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”

My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

one time in med school I lost my pokemon coffee thermos in the hospital so I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it and I got sad so I went to the cafeteria for a cookie and the clerk was like “haha I like ur thermos” and I looked down and guess what I was holding the entire time

Robots are now performing major surgeries, which means my dream of having the Fox NFL robot give me a prostate exam is closer than ever.

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.

Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob