Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.

🤪😜

[Speed dating]

Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!

If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands

How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?

Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.

I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.

me: is it cool if i add a little hat

person i’m tattooing: what no

me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]

Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.

[during prison riot]

cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?

me: *shakes magic 8 ball*

magic 8 ball: ask again later

me: shoot hang on

*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*

Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]

Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]

🥲

me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?

Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game

Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: I got stabbed!!!

Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?

DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips

ME: why?

DAUGHTER:

ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me

wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why

I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.

Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.

“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep

Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working

*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks

Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.

Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.

1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.

2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.

3. Death is an added advantage.

[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]

This is bullshit.