Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.

That eye roll….

*plot twist*

plot: ouch!!!

My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”

(Starts period)

Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-

Me: WHAT!?

Him: What?

Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.

‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’

Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …

I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.

found this cool rock hiking today

This kid is going places

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone

me: whoa magic

Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”

I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.

“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene

I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.

Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.

New mindset, who dis?

For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody

Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.

If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.

Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.

Genie: you have 17 wishes

Me: isn’t it normally 3??

Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.

One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.