Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
You Might Also Like
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo