If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
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[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
girls literally only want one thing..
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
My therapist after every session
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left