Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine

I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.

i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it

[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”

*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*

“Oh.”

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to

If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?

Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?

Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.

I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!

I hope I’m doing this right…

cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.

I bet a dragon could defeat a unicorn. Unicorns are just pointy horses.

need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it

Skywritten letters:

SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR

I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening

In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?

Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.

Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.

We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”

Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…

CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!

Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!

Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?

A: Abe Blinkin’

Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.

born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.

Me: A strained what now?

Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.

Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂

“911, what’s the emergency?”

we were robbed. they stole the wireless router

“calm down”

also they shot my grandma or something. not sure