Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
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why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Ask not if it pleases the court – ask what the court can do to please you.
– Chapter Three, Contempt Of Court For Dummies