Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????

When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.

Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.

Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son

#parenthood

ME: Table for 7 please

WAITER: Hahahahahahaha

ME: 7-p-m. Just me

WAITER: Okay that makes more sense

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.

DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too

We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.

You when you started twitter vs. you now.

Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!

a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it

Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.

I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.

My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.

We were definitely meant for each other.

*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*

My Wife… The Bargain Hunter

If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.

“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago

me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

Political ads be like: send us money so we can send you more ads

Me: *on the computer*

9-year-old: What are you doing?

Me: Registering you for school.

9: I thought we were friends.

You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t

Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.

So I bought a second pair.

Absolutely no one:

The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD