Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*

August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*

August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*

I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no

Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.

Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.

Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?

Her: well it does now

I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.

For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.

Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!

The Antics Roadshow

literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared

my mom: curfew’s 9:00

me: please mom i’m in a gang now

my mom:

me: how about 9:15

President The Rock Obama

Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.

The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.

If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”

Interviewer:…

“Oh you mean questions about the job!”

Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.

The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older

touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg

if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito

*swipes right on my hand mirror

I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”

Live, Laugh, Love

Leer, Lunge, Lactate

Do things that start with L

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE