I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
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[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
My daily affirmation