judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
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Yup….perfect score!
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
Short story
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
