judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
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Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
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Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.