judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
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“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
The man who makes the giant eclairs in our local patisserie is retiring next month. There’ll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now