judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
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We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.