Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.

Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written

Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?

Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult

If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.

I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.

Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early

Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.

Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*

[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?

Me: *backs out of driveway*

Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.

my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.

“WTF?”

“Seriously?”

“How could you?”

“Oh, man!”

“I’m right here.”

-my dog watching me throw food in the trash

me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*

death: quit it

Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”

Medical form: Height?

Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.

Medical form: Sex?

Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.

HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

[Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED

NED

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT

NED

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME

Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.

Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…

Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off

4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.

friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late

me: *1 week later* for what?

Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.

*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”

Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.