Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

Mugger: Give me all your money!

Me: Ok

Mugger: *suddenly poorer*

sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud

*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark

-me as a tattoo artist

When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀

Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.

Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]

Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.

Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

Rapunzel: … Why tho

Witch: I wanna climb the tower

Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here

Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you

Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link

Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.

ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.

live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm

Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.

Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”

Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”

I think about that a lot

The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.

HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER

Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress

Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no

If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…

If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know

If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!

I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.

H: I’m going to the store.

M: Why don’t you take my truck?

[3 hrs later]

H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.

M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*

Gave myself a steam facial* today

*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face

It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*

Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.

Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?