Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I’m doing marathon training

friend: that can really help you in the long run

me: I know what it’s for

The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now

Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.

*a horse walks into a china shop

“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“

[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]

yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in

My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”

grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything

If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.

I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.

[dinner]

WIFE: This risotto is rich

ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”

WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?

ME: …

WIFE: …

ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’

I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.

Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.

I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude

sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic

I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]

It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??

Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.

*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*

Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub

MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT

*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?

Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”

Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.