Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.

Me: Did you like that story?

5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.

Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.

5: There’s another ending? Tell me.

Me: You don’t need to know.

5: Tell me, Tell me!

Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!

I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon

me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof

friend: oof

me: pretty much

Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.

The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.

Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

HERE’S MARKY

About to form my very first opinion

My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.

Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressing

Saying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper

Women’s version: Body Soap

Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast

Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute

Friday night party time 🥳

My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.

My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.

i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing

If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.

I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.

I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.

me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes

me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf

*puts dreamcatcher above bed*

“Sure hope this works”

*wakes up in the middle of the night*

*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*

“YES”

put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”

My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”

So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”

Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.

9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip

I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never