Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not

I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.

me: we have developed a fear of boy bands

wife: at the same time

therapist: in sync?

together: *screams*

[autopsy]

Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever

My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch

Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.

Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.

her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*

me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*

There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.

If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).

This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.

(at the pearly gates)

St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it

I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.

If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.

angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible

god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls

angel: ok first question why

god: wait i’m not finished

remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life

A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.

Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?

surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint

We cut our bangs at dawn.

Dear Tech Support,

I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?

If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.

me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something

AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]

My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.

Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”

CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on

ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…

*looks up from hospital bed*

ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…

ME: Oh.