Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.

Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.

*Heaven*

God: you may ask me 1 question

Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?

God: what?

Me: I wanna write loud numbers

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.

Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?

Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”

My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*

yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.

………….so like he’s clearly a monster right

if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert

As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.

Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.

*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*

*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames

today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean

At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”

Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.

Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?

Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one

To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks

holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks

Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S

Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here

“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.

Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth

I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.