Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: what’ll it be?

me: I’ll have chameleon

waiter: that’s not on the menu

me: how can you be sure?

Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what

With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.

Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.

Everyone:

This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.

I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend

Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.

i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue

– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.

[clown cleaning shower]

MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.

[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]

I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.

Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!

Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.

me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*

[20 minutes later]

me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok

My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.

Just had my nails done!

us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour

“Well I guess I better get ready for work”

*gets out of bed*

“Ok I’m ready”

every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it

*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*

“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”

Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart

*sells my soul*

Devil: I want a refund

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.

me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours

I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.

Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.

Narrator: There was no narrator.

My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.