Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices

can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock

Somebody call the cops.

Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.

People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year

Missed Connection:

I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.

Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search

Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.

“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”

Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.

Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.

72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”

Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.

In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..

My surgeon friends disagreed.

I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.

Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.

Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.

I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”

High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically

Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.

Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.

Friend: You’re being dramatic.

Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.

F: Seriously?

Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.