Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
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You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
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No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
estão todos miauvindo?
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
That 👊
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.