Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
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[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy