judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
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Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
When I grow up, I want to be 16
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
There’s always that one guy
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.