School says strangers are handing out lick on LSD tattoos. I told my kids not to worry, no one is giving out good shit like that for free
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
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With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
DAD: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.
ME: [hesitantly] You’re… an ambulance.
DAD: I’m- I’m so proud of you, son [dies]
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
This is everything
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.