@PatsATweetin

judge: are you the defendant?

me: haha yup, guilty as charged

my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*

me: um whats the policy on take backs here

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@a_man_named_JED

School says strangers are handing out lick on LSD tattoos. I told my kids not to worry, no one is giving out good shit like that for free

@HatfieldAnne

With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?

@chuuew

DAD: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.
ME: [hesitantly] You’re… an ambulance.
DAD: I’m- I’m so proud of you, son [dies]

@Gupton68

[holding the door open for a pretty woman]

Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir

Me: *blushing* I aim to please

Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor

M: I despise you

@ADDiane

Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.

@ThugRaccoons

[First day as a fighter pilot]

*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*

@PleaseBeGneiss

[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]

ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer

@droidbears

[caught hiding something in the garbage]

gf: are you eating hot wings again?

me: no

gf: oh really, then touch your eyes

me: god damnit

@daddydoubts

Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.