JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
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[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
What’s the perfect gif to let everyone know an alien invasion is underway? A prompt response would be appreciated.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
#FunnyLife Insects
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.
If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
How to make infinite energy.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
“My wife’s just made breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)