JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
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I will (and I can’t stress this enough) touch whatever you tell me not to touch.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Does anyone know if I can use a lawnmower to get snow and ice off my driveway?
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
I don’t understand why I can’t find a girlfriend. I have a good job where I’m my own boss. I own a boat. I have lots of friends. I have a peg leg and an eye patch and a hook for a hand
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Doctors texting each other.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓