JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
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Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen