judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
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Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
Miscakes
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
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