judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
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My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think