Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face

Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne

shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house

“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer

boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?

me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve

The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.

I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.

Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.

Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX

I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.

ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler

Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”

“oh dude you’re gonna want to see this” i yell to my dog from the other room upon seeing 2 squirrels on a fence

ME: you look great tonight

DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime

ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here

can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦‍♂️ whatever u say gorgeous

If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules

[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?

Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.

Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*

Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.

Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.

ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911

PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written

so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah

*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it

Fun Prank:

Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening

You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.

*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.