Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.

INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left

My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.

Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself

Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear

Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff

I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.

No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.

Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.

Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.

*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*

Him: Ouch!

For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.

Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!

-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets

Why I divorced her.

“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”

“So you don’t end up like me”

“What, awesome?”

“Alright fine, no school today”

Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.

I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.

*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*

[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]

One of these days, the Roomba mothership will send out a signal and none of us will have toes.

Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.

*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.

“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.

People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.

“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”

I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.

Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these

My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there

You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.

St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.

[in bed, 6 AM]

Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY

Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.

*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip