Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther

Me: Can I use it for my socials?

Mugshot Photographer: No.

Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared

kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween

dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work

kid: i didn’t-

dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch

They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler

My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.

This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.

WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?

ME: [current world hula champion] You can try

Him: I’m feeling under the weather.

DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

Too easy.

just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress

Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire

Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP

People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.

Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!

Me: I am

Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!

Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.

Me: I want to buy a keyboard

Yamaha: yep

Me: … and a guitar

Yamaha: yeah we got you bro

Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?

Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this

5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies

Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.

any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time

Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.

Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.

Fun Fact:

Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…

[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Scientist: No

Cop: How much science u do tonite?

Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]

Cop: Get out

“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”

-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu

Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems

I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker

I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”

Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.

Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.