Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way

technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things

Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.

If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.

I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it

BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*

ME: perfect, thanks

BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*

VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great

Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?

If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.

Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.

I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.

Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.

Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.

[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”

[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.

so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?

My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.

who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens

When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..

by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.

I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.

It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.

You win again, life.

My job sucks but it pays the bills.

Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.

[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!

I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur

Person: What’s your handicap?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.

I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong

If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?

During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.