Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”

Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.

“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”

Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.

1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer

1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer

2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.

Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station

If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!

– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.

I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.

I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears

Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-

“Honey, you’re wrong.”

Brain: I give up.

“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato

we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws

Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.

Whiskey: Yes you can.

LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!

#NationalLazyDay

When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.

ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out

DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips

ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T

If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you

What my back needs

An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”

I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.

Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.

Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered

im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear

Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Um…

D: Seriously?

M: …

D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.

M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN

I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)

God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then

You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside

The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.