judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
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So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Someone told me they had beef with me and I got pissed off that it wasn’t a brisket
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.