judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
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Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Did my cat write this
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.