judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
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The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen