Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?

Me: that’s not my hair.

Wife: then who’s hair is it?

Me: omg it’s a full moon.

Wife: so?

Me: *whispers* weresoap.

a fate I wish upon no one

one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life

Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man

I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.

I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.

May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:

ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.

day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea

Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being

Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-

Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters

I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.

I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet

My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym

Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor

I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders

Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—

Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*

Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician

me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby

the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA

1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”

Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”

Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.

I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad

Attention Walmart Shoppers –

There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12

ㅤ

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video

*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*

i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.

My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.

If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.

Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.