judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
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Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Worst Native American name ever.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.