judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
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Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
the short answer to this question
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”