Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.

Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.

3yo: no five more things!

Me: no, one more thing.

3yo: yay one more thing!

Bless their stupid little hearts.

My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong

I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.

It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.

WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*

When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.

Me: Did you use the elevator?

Friend: I took the stairs.

Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?

The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.

found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.

This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”

Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.

Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old

I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.

There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given

You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?

Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.

[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD

*at the vet*

me: my new cat won’t stop hissing

vet: ma’am this is a cockroach

me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off

Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby

Case of beer: I have a boyfriend

I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.

Time for a new house.

Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.

(Trump rally)

Trump: I’ll take questions now.

Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?

Trump: More water.

Crowd: *cheers wildly*

I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.

Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch

ME: You have a beautiful home.

HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.

Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.

3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.

In order from least to most stressful:

– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why

If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?

Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet

WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME