Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.

My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.

“I love this song!”

“This is my favorite song!”

“I love this song!”

“No, THIS is my favorite song!”

~ Me, listening to my own playlist

I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game

my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home

I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him

We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day

Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?

Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.

Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex

serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.

them: our youngest is 73 months.

me: what’s that in human people years

The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom

Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car

hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday

You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong

wife: are you cheating on me?

me: no

wife: where were you between 5-8 then?

me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related

We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.

I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.

How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun

*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.

[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath

Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.

Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.

People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.

How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.

I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.