judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do

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a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread


She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well


Your jokes are only as funny as someone else’s sense of humor.


[watching basketball]

I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.

And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.


“Haha those ‘said no one ever’ jokes are pretty funny” -said no one ever


*runs into coworker at store*
*pretends I don’t speak English*


ME: *tells joke*

WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school


ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th


I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.