I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
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a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Your jokes are only as funny as someone else’s sense of humor.
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
“Haha those ‘said no one ever’ jokes are pretty funny” -said no one ever
*runs into coworker at store*
*pretends I don’t speak English*
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.