Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.

4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!

Me: What’s her name?

4: I don’t remember.

Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.

8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam

The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there

Me, always: what wobble?

the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old

My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids

Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..

“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”

—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.

Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?

Me: your what?

Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: I’m confused

Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: *crying* someone help me

*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*

ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear

THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?

ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s

TRUE STORY

Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.

HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed

Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?

*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*

Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away

The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.

Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?

“You mean MAY, not CAN”

Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?

[Bethsaida 28 AD]

BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves

“Five loaves please”

BAKER: Huh?

“Jesus is here”

BAKER: Sonuva

[being strapped to a medieval torture table]

“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”

ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?

[date]

EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]

REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”

My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.

If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel

I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…

My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.

I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.