Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
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“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
OKAY DAD
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Did we do it, did we save the daylight
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.