Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.

A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.

I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.

Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”

[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here

If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills

“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”

Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.

You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids

“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now

“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director

Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.

accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life

Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.

detective: what happened?

librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

detective: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.

“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.

I got 4 hours of sleep.

My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.

I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined

I could not be more annoyed

*checks Twitter*

Ok, I’m more annoyed

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:

The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one

Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.

Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*

Kim Paperhands: No.

(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

You are what you delete.

My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.