[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
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“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*