[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
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Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Get in loser, we’re going overthinking
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
jesus, what did this guy do
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
