Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
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My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
*door in my house opens on its own*
me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure
the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE