Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.

Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes

just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise

[Me as a boxing commentator]

ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time

What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.

Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.

just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun

[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract

If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant

biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes

imagine getting destroyed like this

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd

[restaurant]

ME: My compliments to the chef.

WAITER: I’ll certainly..

ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.

Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.

This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.

Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..

Therapist: is this true?

Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]

Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap

Dress for the job you want others to think you have.

I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague

INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness

Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god.  Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.

You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!

Cop –

So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you

“Either shave your legs or kiss me”

[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed

“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter

If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips

“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”

a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables