Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb

[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD

I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money

NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks

HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience

legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them

I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting

“Fiona, You up?”

-Shrext.

My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.

Someone just threatened to call me later

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.

[sees woman reading]

“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”

If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”

GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?

ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?

HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.

It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.

people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house

Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy

that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down

V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”

[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful

just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf

Me: *taking a family photograph*

Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?

I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.

A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.

Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.