My son loves lizard facts but he can’t quite say ‘lizard’ so he randomly makes statements like “Wizards protect themselves with camouflage”.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
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I don’t have one junk drawer anymore. I’m 46, I have a junk life.
God: So the rattlesnake has one of the deadliest poisons… now what?
Angel: Put some maracas on its tail, so it’s permanently pissed off
“What do you do for a living?”
“Louder, for the tape.”
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Twitter birth control: airfare
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.
If you love a cat, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours to keep. If it doesn’t, you drove far enough.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.