@stevevsninjas

Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*

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@iamspacegirl

My son loves lizard facts but he can’t quite say ‘lizard’ so he randomly makes statements like “Wizards protect themselves with camouflage”.

@mistrustme1

I don’t have one junk drawer anymore. I’m 46, I have a junk life.

@KissabiX

God: So the rattlesnake has one of the deadliest poisons… now what?

Angel: Put some maracas on its tail, so it’s permanently pissed off

@david8hughes

[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”

@Jandalize

Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.

@beckyiniowa

My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.

@HockeyTornado

Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.

@JumpingJesusH

If you love a cat, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours to keep. If it doesn’t, you drove far enough.

@WilliamAder

Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.