Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers

I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.

[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan

me: [crying] it came outta nowhere

tour guide: a spider?

me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen

guide: [panicking] omg a snake?

me: razor-sharp claws

guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?

me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle

this is so top tier i cant

If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile

[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.

when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken

What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency

ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday

REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?

ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts

“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?

Him: You need to be more active in your community.

My Community: NOOOOO!!!!

“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.

Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.

Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.

*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right

We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.

I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him

Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14

Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”

Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*

Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!

your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost

One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.

Until then, I’ll keep eating.

Weaknesses.

Secret Panel HERE 💥

boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.

me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?

boss: yes of course but this is-

me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?

boss: -a funeral home.

Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?

Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.

If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.

WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?